11 years ago in June, my oldest brother was killed in a car accident. She was already diabetic and overweight but until that moment, everything was stable. But the stress caused her slow decline. I was pregnant at the time, and she was healthy enough to help us paint my daughter’s room. After Grace was born, Mom was a huge help in taking care of her those first weeks. Grace is almost 11 now, and Mom can barely get around.

Since she went on dialysis, I’ve felt as though I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting for her death to push me off. Her kidney doctor didn’t think she’d make it two years on dialysis because of her heart condition, but until the last couple of weeks, she’s done very well, and he admitted she surprised him. But she’s still very sick, and we could lose her any day. I try to take it one day at a time and be grateful she’s still here, but it’s a struggle.

I truly thought we were going to lose her this time. Shortly after she was admitted to the University of Iowa Hospital two weeks ago, it just seemed like all her systems were shutting down. I had a conference to go to, and it was too late to cancel the hotel or airline. We stood to loose thousands, and she insisted I go. She said she’d be hurt if I didn’t. Walking out of that room that night was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I really thought she’d die before we got on the plane the next morning.

But yet again, she rebounded and is out of the hospital. But she’s still sick, and the reality is we’ll be lucky to get another couple of years for someone her age on dialysis.

So much of my life is spent waiting for the worst to come and fighting against that. I know I should cherish every day, and I honestly try to. But every time the phone rings, my heart stops.

How do we continue to enjoy and live our own lives when someone we love so much is in such a perilous condition? I feel guilty when I’m not worrying about her, and then I feel bad because I’m not giving my husband and daughter my full attention.

And in the back of my mind, there’s always the single, terrible question: what will I do without my mom?

There aren’t any answers, and I know I’m not alone in going through something like this. Watching our parents age and suffer is an awful thing, and I’m lucky I’m close enough to her to help take care of her. But there’s another part of me that’s angry, at both her and life for putting such a good person through such terrible things. She’s only 74, and she deserves better. I think of all the time I spent with her that I took for granted, all the little memories that have evaporated over the years. I should have cherished those moments, stockpiled them, journaled about them.

But that won’t lessen the pain of losing her. So I’ll continue to take things a day at a time and be grateful for whatever time she has left. I’ll also use her health issues as a motivator for my own life, so that I continue to get healthy and avoid the issues she’s dealing with. I don’t want to put my own daughter through this some day.

And to anyone with diabetes, please take care. I know weight is usually a mental issue, so seek therapy if you possibly can. Don’t underestimate what it can do to your body, and don’t underestimate the power of stress. Find healthy ways to cope, seek therapy or other help as needed. We only have one life, and we need to cherish it!

The Body Farm is actually part of the Forensic Anthropology Center at The University of Tennessee, and it is a groundbreaking place. Created by Dr. William Bass, the Knoxville location is the original body farm (there are now five facilities in the United States). Bass started the project in 1981 as a way to study the decomposition of human remains, and it’s been essential in learning how bodies decay in various weather conditions, which means making law enforcement’s job (slightly) easier.

The wooded plot is surrounded by a razor wire fence, and at any time various donated bodies are placed in different weather conditions. Over the past thirty years, the human remains at the Body Farm have been an integral part in determining time of death (think speed of decomp and maggots).

Over 100 bodies are donated to the facility every year, and you can pre-register with the facility. I have to be honest, some days that sounds a lot more appealing than moldering in a coffin or burning in a furnace. Your remains would actually benefit science. How cool is that?

Back to the field trip. When I attended the Writer’s Police Academy this fall, several of us joked at breakfast (only crime writers!) about how awesome it would be to be able to tour the body farm. Later that day, Lisa Gardner gave her presentation on research and mentioned her very own trip to the Tennessee Body Farm! Naturally I was green with envy and cornered her about it the first chance I got.

Turns out, writers and any researchers CAN tour the grounds. The trick is you must have a legitimate research project, because this is an academic facility. Now, Lisa’s trip was about seven years ago and things might have changed, but it sounds like a very worthwhile trip for the brave writer. Needless to say, my close friend and I working on research project for one of my books that will hopefully garner us entry one day.

I know, I know, it sounds freakish and maybe it is, but for a mystery/thriller/crime writer, a chance to tour the body farm and see some of the realities we write about would be an amazing opportunity.

What about you? Could you handle a tour? And would you consider donating your body to one of the five facilities in the United States?

For more about the origins of the Tennessee Body Farm (University of Tennessee Anthropological Research Facility), check out Dr. William Bass’s awesome book, Death’s Acre.

i’ve decided to try a new theme on the blog. I’m calling it Confessions of a Thriller Author, and every Monday, I’ll be posting about some of the darker things that go through my own twisted mind.

Confessions of a Thriller Author #1

People often ask me about my love of true crime, thrillers, and all things dark. Those who are under the impression that I am a sweet mom from Iowa are amazed at the sinister things I prefer to read and write. In my bio, I mention watching crime shows with my parents growing up, and I know that’s probably what planted the seed. The theme song from Hill Street Blues is one of my earliest memories, after all. Along with Dallas, which is probably where I got my flair for the dramatic.

But it goes much deeper than that. If I had to do it over again (and I actually understood myself when I was in college) I would have majored in criminal psychology. I am always fascinated by the WHY of things, and it is frustrating for me not to get an explanation. On one hand, I cannot fathom killing another human being, much less torturing them. But on the other, I want to crawl inside the mind of the person who would do such a thing. Are they really just a coldblooded psychopath? Are they a combination of nature and nurture? Many times, law enforcement and psychologists don’t get these answers handed to them on a silver platter. There is no reason why. And I still I want to know more.

Consider the psychopath Ted Bundy. What sort of things went on in his mind when he was seeking his next victim? Was he excited for the kill, for the control, or for the depraved acts he would do to them? Or what about coldblooded killer Gary Ridgway, better known as The Green River Killer, who is believed to have killed over 100 women, all of whom were prostitutes. What would a day in his head be like? How could someone look at another human being and so coldly judge them, let alone dispose of them so callously as Ridgway?

For me, it is the unknown about the psychopathic killer that is the most interesting. And their ability to blend into the crowd, to become Average Man, that makes them so frightening.

From a law enforcement perspective, I’d love to be able to understand what the police and other departments go through in the search for these people. Watching the crime shows on Investigation Discovery is no more than a glimpse into the criminal world.  Without being in the moment with the police, FBI, criminal profilers and psychologists, we will never truly understand what’s it’s like to be in their shoes and follow these killer’s paths.

It’s this sort of dark interest that drove me to create Lucy Kendall and to explore the idea of her being a sociopath. If I can’t find my answers in real life, I seek them through fiction. In many ways, writing Lucy has been like interviewing my own serial killer. I find myself digging deeper, wanting to know more about the choices she makes and if she will ever realize who she truly is. The fun part is that I get to provide the answers.

And that is the long version of why I like to read and write about sociopaths and psychopaths (pick your term), serial killers, criminal minds, cops, and all around bad people. It’s the thirst for understanding and the need to unravel their minds. I’m thankful to have the opportunity to do so with my fictional characters.

What about you, crime fiction lovers? Do you enjoy reading and researching about criminals and serial killers because you need to understand? What drives your dark interest?

Come back next Monday for my next confession, and have a wonderful and SAFE holiday!