11 years ago in June, my oldest brother was killed in a car accident. She was already diabetic and overweight but until that moment, everything was stable. But the stress caused her slow decline. I was pregnant at the time, and she was healthy enough to help us paint my daughter’s room. After Grace was born, Mom was a huge help in taking care of her those first weeks. Grace is almost 11 now, and Mom can barely get around.

Since she went on dialysis, I’ve felt as though I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, just waiting for her death to push me off. Her kidney doctor didn’t think she’d make it two years on dialysis because of her heart condition, but until the last couple of weeks, she’s done very well, and he admitted she surprised him. But she’s still very sick, and we could lose her any day. I try to take it one day at a time and be grateful she’s still here, but it’s a struggle.

I truly thought we were going to lose her this time. Shortly after she was admitted to the University of Iowa Hospital two weeks ago, it just seemed like all her systems were shutting down. I had a conference to go to, and it was too late to cancel the hotel or airline. We stood to loose thousands, and she insisted I go. She said she’d be hurt if I didn’t. Walking out of that room that night was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I really thought she’d die before we got on the plane the next morning.

But yet again, she rebounded and is out of the hospital. But she’s still sick, and the reality is we’ll be lucky to get another couple of years for someone her age on dialysis.

So much of my life is spent waiting for the worst to come and fighting against that. I know I should cherish every day, and I honestly try to. But every time the phone rings, my heart stops.

How do we continue to enjoy and live our own lives when someone we love so much is in such a perilous condition? I feel guilty when I’m not worrying about her, and then I feel bad because I’m not giving my husband and daughter my full attention.

And in the back of my mind, there’s always the single, terrible question: what will I do without my mom?

There aren’t any answers, and I know I’m not alone in going through something like this. Watching our parents age and suffer is an awful thing, and I’m lucky I’m close enough to her to help take care of her. But there’s another part of me that’s angry, at both her and life for putting such a good person through such terrible things. She’s only 74, and she deserves better. I think of all the time I spent with her that I took for granted, all the little memories that have evaporated over the years. I should have cherished those moments, stockpiled them, journaled about them.

But that won’t lessen the pain of losing her. So I’ll continue to take things a day at a time and be grateful for whatever time she has left. I’ll also use her health issues as a motivator for my own life, so that I continue to get healthy and avoid the issues she’s dealing with. I don’t want to put my own daughter through this some day.

And to anyone with diabetes, please take care. I know weight is usually a mental issue, so seek therapy if you possibly can. Don’t underestimate what it can do to your body, and don’t underestimate the power of stress. Find healthy ways to cope, seek therapy or other help as needed. We only have one life, and we need to cherish it!

Isn’t it funny how we can be on an emotional ride and not even realize it? How the littlest things can send us way off kilter?

Example: I finished the final book in the Delta Crossroads Series last Friday and sent it to my developmental editor. It’s an accomplishment to be sure: three books (actually four, if you count the draft of the new series I’m working on now) written in a year. A trilogy fans love is almost finished. I had no idea how that one action would spark a saddie moment. It’s time to end the series, but it’s bittersweet. I love those characters, and their voices are still rattling in my head. I’ll most certainly miss them.

And on the heels of that came the news that my mother’s kidney function is down to 15.9%. If something doesn’t change, dialysis is probably coming in the next couple of months. Now, she’s lasted longer without it (almost two years) than the doctors expected, so I can’t complain. I thought I was prepared for the news. Every time she goes to the doctor, I steel myself for it. Monday night I was fine. Tuesday sucked. I wanted to yell and scream and cry, and the worst of it is, I wanted to do those things to her. We are very close, and I don’t know what I will do without her when that time comes. And no matter how hard I try, I’m mad as hell at her for not taking care of her diabetes like she should have. She thinks she did, though, and arguing with her is a waste of precious time. It’s too late to change things now, and so we have to trudge on and hope for the best. That really doesn’t make it any easier.

So this week has been loaded with saddies. Change is all over the place and I DO NOT LIKE IT. And believe me, I know I’ve really got nothing to whine about. Things could be a lot worse. But sometimes you just have to let yourself wallow in the pity pit for a while and then start clawing back up.

I’m working on it. I’ve been editing the first draft of a new series I’m launching in May. I adore the character, and her darkness is something I love exploring. Getting into her head is a weird kind of therapy.

The point of this post is two-fold: first off, if you’re diabetic or pre-diabetic, be proactive and BELIEVE that it will kill you if you don’t make major changes. It is a horrible disease. Take care of yourself now before it’s too late. And secondly, don’t feel bad if you want to wallow around and feel sorry for whatever lousy thing is going on in your life. Sometimes a pity party is just want we need, as long as we don’t drag it out.

Thanks so much to all of you out there reading and chatting up Tin God and Skeleton’s Key. Nothing blows a saddie moment to bits like a wonderful review or Facebook comment.

How do you deal with a bout of the saddies?